The Perks of Being Child-Free: Don’t Take The Following For Granted

I’ve reached the point in my life where half my friends are working on baby #2 and the other half are still in a tug-of-war with their twenties balancing their weekends between binge drinking and saving for a down payment on their first house. Every once in a while my child-free friends get brave enough to visit my house despite my toddler still being there as we try to find a way to take shots and use profanity while still preserving my daughter’s innocence. Last weekend I got into a conversation with a BFF that started with her declaring, “I don’t think I want kids. I like sleep and the fact that I can play with my friends’ kids and when I’m tired, leave them with their parents and keep it moving.” Six tequila shots later as a pacifier suckling two-year old crashed on my chest, my BFF muttered, “Aww, I want one.” I hesitated handing her the pacifier, because I knew once she sobered up she’d be back to giving the middle finger to motherhood. What child-free folks (including myself pre-motherhood) don’t understand is when it comes to kids the big things you sacrifice are not all that bad. Kids cost money, so you expect to be broke. Kids require time, so you expect to convert your free time to curating cartoons on your DVR and not frolicking the beaches of Waikiki. What totally takes you by surprise, bish-slaps you and leaves you plucking salt from your self-righteous shoulders are all of the small things you take for granted that you didn’t know parenthood would quickly confiscate from your life and it all starts with not being able to shave your vagina or paint your toenails in your last trimester. From there it’s all downhill. Here are a few things you should take full advantage of now, while you’re still child-free:

Watching a TV show or movie without any interruption.

If you’re still in newborn territory there’s a good chance you’ll get through all five seasons of Breaking Bad with minor breastfeeding or bottle-making breaks. If you can multi-task, even better. But if you have a toddler you’ll spend months wondering when the hell is this pink teddy bear business all about? Toddlers will snatch the remote and randomly turn to The Adventures of Gumball while Walt’s in the middle of the desert making a deal. They’ll cry because they can’t fit all of the fruit snacks in between their toes. Do yourself a favor and send the tots with Grandma for a few days so you can follow closely and stop wondering when the hell Jesse became a stepfather.

Eating a meal you don't have to reheat first.

If you ever want to catch the parallel universe version of myself, just drop by my house Sunday morning. Between the hours of 10 and 6, I'm a domestic goddess starting the day with a buffet of home fries, bacon and blueberry waffles and ending it sprinkling stain pre-treated laundry into my washing machine #SaltBae style. Unfortunately this means that by the time I make sure everyone doesn't have to reach too far for the Aunt Jemima Butter Rich, I'm sitting down at a plate of cold food. One, two, kids are coming for you. Nine, ten never eat hot meals again.

Eating a meal period.

Her dad could be sitting next to me eating a whole a wedding buffet and my daughter would still stalk me foraging the bottom of a bag of Orville Redenbacher and beg, “Have some?”. You've already heard the rumors of parents eating bowls of icecream in the closet in secret or opening a bag of chips with the precision of a cosmetic surgeon all to avoid the Hungry, Hungry Hippos we call offspring. Parenthood is the ultimate display of "sharing is caring".

Enjoying clothes shopping for yourself.

Believe me when I say I always enter H&M with the best of intentions and dreams of cheap oxfords and distressed sweaters. But inevitably all I ever leave with are Hello Kitty pajama sets for the kid. Look, baby clothes are cute and I can usually get five things for my kid for every one item for me. And it's not just about budget, something about motherhood makes a reflex out of putting yourself last. My advice: Just don't make eye contact with the kids section and you'll be fine.

Getting in and out the car in seconds.

When you have a baby you also welcome the burden that is baby gear. You can't leave the house without a stroller, snacks, and a damn Toys R Us aisle. So you just better get familiar with the rubix cube that is the three point seat-belt system and park in well-lit areas. You may be there for a while.

Your cute clutch or purse.

You WILL get tired of carrying a diaper bag and a purse. And gradually the baby wipes, four diapers and your pressed powder and debit card will all become neighbors in the ever so stylish backpack. This high school home room reminder will come even quicker if you find yourself riding public transportation. Because the way my motherhood is set up I can't hold my little one's hand, keep a spare sippy cup and serve Michael Kor's clutch realness at the same time.

Doing anything alone ever again.

You've probably heard about moms peeing and breastfeeding at the same damn time but once your kid learns to walk there's a good chance that any room in your house that you're in will be exactly where your kid wants to be. My daughter swears my damn shins are her personal playground equipment. If you’re looking for a lifetime companion, don’t get dog or even a husband. Just get a toddler. They will ensure you never have privacy again.

Scrolling through your phone when you want to (and any storage you may have left)

There’s a moment of self-defeat that touches your soul the moment you have to delete Snapchat to make room for Fisher Price Puppy Play so your toddler doesn’t lose his/her s**t during a road trip to your sister-in-law’s. You know how a friend posts something stupid on Twitter that makes you want to search Pinterest for the perfect passive aggressive quote written in inspirational Constantia font. Yeah, forget that. Your toddler will chump you for your phone like they’re signing that monthly check to Sprint. And you’ll oblige because you just don’t want them spazzing in the frozen food aisle of Acme.         Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.

The post The Perks of Being Child-Free: Don’t Take The Following For Granted appeared first on MadameNoire.